I woke up like almost everyone else reflecting on the fact that it is Good Friday. The sacrifices that the Lord made for us on that day are too many to count. He took stripes for our healing, sins, pain, grief and more. He choose us above Himself. He could have called down 10,000 Angels and escaped his plight. Even to the last minute, He felt that abandonment, the shame and rejection. It all led to a moment when He uttered what has to be three of the most important words ever spoken..."It Is Finished!" At that moment, His mission was set into full motion. There was no looking back, no waiting to be saved. That was the moment that changed history for all of us to come! He fulfilled His promise. He didn't quit on us. He said "So Be It!"
I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for that moment. And on this day, I felt the Lord speaking to my heart about my life. It is no hidden secret that I have had a few rough years. I have dealt with more loneliness and rejection than most would know. Betrayal is an understatement :) I have watched friends go, people that I served in the ministry with vanish, and those people who didn't know what to say just stay silent. So silent it has been deafening. That is not to say I haven't had as many step up. I am eternally grateful for all of the love and support that I and CJ have been shown. I am just making a point today :)
The last few days have been lonely days. I will never ever regret or feel that I made a wrong decision 19 years ago. If I know anything, I know when I hear the voice of God. I heard Him speak to me clearly about who I would share my life with. I followed that voice and I will never wish I had not. I look at the blessing that is my son everyday and I can not regret it. I also realize that you can make all of the right choices but you can't control the choices of others! This has been particularly hard for me because I like control :) Yes, I am admitting it. That has been one of the hardest things about these last few years. Just the complete feeling that I had no control over my life. I have been amazed at the actions and justifications of people. How areas that should be so black and white have been turned gray and no one seemed to care or notice. How people watched wrong happen and just accepted it. How quickly people moved on as if my presence or participation had never happened. There have been times that I wanted to scream it has seemed so unfair!! I have complained to God. Why? How could you? What sense does this make?
Then I had a great epiphany. Grace and Mercy are not contingent upon the person. They don't weigh out the fairness of a situation. They are not extended to only the most deserving. When Jesus went on the cross, He didn't do it with conditions. He didn't ask God to make His sacrifice count for only those who did what others would think was right. He didn't ask God to judge us and weigh our "worthiness". He went on that cross KNOWING that we were not worthy. That if we were judged, we would be found lacking. And He did it freely, without strings attached, for all who would call upon His name. I realized that if I was to receive the grace and mercy that I so longed for and needed, I had to be willing for God to extend that grace and mercy to anyone who asked it of Him, regardless of what they had done.
By believing that God's mercy and grace were free to anyone who asked it, I was freeing myself to receive all that I needed! Paybacks and vengeance only last for a brief moment, but the grace of God is eternal. That feeling you feel when you feel like someone "gets what they deserve" fades fast, but the realization that you are living a life based upon the mercy that was shown to you lasts a lifetime.
It dawned on me that whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was looking back to much. Back to what had been. Reflecting on the would have, should have, could have's. That is such a fruitless and pointless exercise. It's ok to wonder what you could have done differently to change for the future. But if you dwell in the wonder to long, you get lost. You can't change what has been done. You can't rewrite something when someone else is holding the pen! All you can do is move on and UP!
Lot's wife made the mistake of looking back. The things of the past had been like a chain around her, pulling her down. I honestly believe God told her not to look back because He was trying to free her once and for all of the things that were holding her back. The same goes for us. As long as you look back, you are tied to the past. The past should be a reflection of what has been not a blueprint for where you are going!! So I say today. "It is finished!" The last two years, they are over. I have looked back for the last time. The events that have transpired will always be a part of my life. They are the chapters of my book titled "history". I am more interested in the ones called my "future". Jesus sacrificed so I could live!! And live my life to the fullest and for His glory is what I fully intend to do!
What are you tied to today? What is holding you back? What experience in your past are you allowing to overshadow all that was done at the cross for you? My friend, there is nothing worth it. I can promise you that! Let today be your day. Accept the grace and mercy of Jesus freely in your life. Don't let the pain and hurt of another cause you to miss out on what God has intended for each of us...a great life!! :)
Walking in this with you!